Game of Thrones 4.8: ‘The Mountain and the Viper’

Now that I’ve had the time to process exactly what the hell I witnessed in Sunday’s episode of Game of Thrones.. I’m still not ready to write this.

Are you joking, George? Okay, so I am a master at Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot and I’m going to tell you the secret why. All you need is the first round to determine every hand you’re going to throw next. So say you throw out a rock, and they throw scissors—you win that round, yay! In most cases, your opponent is going to throw out paper because they might assume that since you won once with rock, you’re going to trust that move. Except BAM, you now know they’re going to throw out paper, so BAM, you throw out scissors.

Why is this important, you ask? Well, I tried to use this same formula to determine what could possibly happen in Game of Thrones. You know, I devised some ludicrous pseudo-scientific method to hypothesize scenarios instead of you know, actually reading the books. Except here’s the problem, folks. Georgie boy already knows we’re going to try and assume the worst case scenario and he’s going to foil that thought process. BUT WAIT! Now we know that he knows what we think, and so we might think the worst, yet he might NOT do the worst case scenario, and I bet you’re like, “What the hell is she talking about?” and that folks is the epitome of Game of Thrones.

And the epitome of this week’s episode. So in comparison to the end of the episode, everything else that happens in other parts of the realm seem, I don’t know, stupidly boring. Let’s start with Dany and Jorah. Or should we say JUDAS, because AW SHIT, Jorah done goofed so bad this time, he ain’t never leaving that friend zone. But in all seriousness, this scene was executed so well thanks to the beautiful and talented Emilia Clarke. Did you notice the intense avoidance of eye contact she serves Jorah as she’s sending him away? Her eyes are dead and she delivers this message with the least bit of emotion she could possibly muster after realizing her one true confidant deceived her. But we all knew this was coming, so the only mysterious part of this episode is who is the one who chose to send the pardon at that precise time? Dun Dun Dun!

I personally love Ygritte. At first I thought she was annoying. But her character shows so much range. Last season, when she’s shooting Jon Snow as he rides away, and we see the betrayal and emotion pouring from her and she purposely misses any vital areas that might kill him, the viewer realizes that she’s actually not as wild as we might assume. And this episode shows no difference, when she allows Gilly and her baby to live as they ravage the camp.

The only part of the episode that comes even remotely close– not really, but maybe a little– is the scene between Sansa and Littlefinger. She’s asked to discuss the happenings of Lysa’s death, and what happens is quite perplexing to the audience. She defends Petyr, but WHY! Does she genuinely think he rescued her from the Lannisters? Or is she plotting her own deception? Who knows.. Other than, you know, the people who read the books. But for us simple folk who enjoy the show solely, only time will tell what Sansa has up her sleeve.

And finally—the scene that will never leave your cranium. This scene is more disturbing than the Red Wedding, and that’s saying something. It’s the battle between Oberyn and Gregor. Last episode, when Oberyn volunteers to be Tyrion’s champion, a single tear rolled off my cheek into my bowl of cereal. It was so beautiful, so inspiring. And I was like—Well, it was nice knowing you Oberyn. Run, Tyrion, Runn!

Because that would be the magical, heroic ending, right? Oberyn wins, Tyrion lives, the giant b-hole that is Gregor Clegane is finally vanquished. So obviously George wouldn’t let that happen, so he clearly wrote the opposite ending. I can just see him now, giggling in maniacal ecstasy as he kills off another character we grow attached to. Except BAM—back to the rock paper scissors game! We don’t expect Oberyn to win, so he has to, right? I legitimately cheered over my headphones when Oberyn delivered that piercing blow to Gregor’s chest. Except, yes, we get it George—hubris is a deadly trait to have.

It killed Joffrey. Now it kills Oberyn. He had to be theatrical. He had to not wear a helmet. He could be alive right now. But no, his watermelon head is in pieces on the floor while we’re all left with the traumatizing vision of what occurred and probably mounting bills of future therapy visits. Screw you, George. Y u do dis?

But I must say, my favorite part of the episode is when the Hound and Arya find out Lysa is dead. I’m just going to record her laughter and make it my ring tone. (lul, jk, who actually uses ringtones anymore?)